What to do when a toxic person tries to come back

There really is not much good that can come from this.

 I recently experienced someone attempting to come back, it was an extremely friendly message, one where you wouldn’t even realise that this person was part of a group of women who tried their hardest to bring me down.

 I have to say I felt into this one hard and I immediately reached out to my very good friends who are well up to speed with the past dramas of my life.

 I had two very different types of suggestions:

1.    Tell her to fuck off

2.    Don’t respond at all

Every part of me ached to respond to be what’s deemed as the good healthy boundary setter, I also wanted her to see how much I have evolved from the very scared and traumatised girl to now being able to speak up and speak my truth in the knowledge that she can’t take that away from me anymore.

 I also didn’t want to feel like I was being avoidant to this issue.

 To those that suggested I don’t response I asked why? They simply said, “because they could easily start up all their shit again.” (shit being stalked, trolled & catfished).

I wrote out my response which was fair and kind and I left it on the notes section in my phone and I waited to see how my body felt setting this boundary and how my trauma triggers and emotions would feel with it too.

I sat with it and 7 days later I realised I’d completely forgotten to respond and that in itself showed me all I needed to know. I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT HER.

 If you had told me 24 months ago about this scenario I would be in the depths of anxiety and PTSD thinking and worrying about her and what her next move was going to be.

Having healthy & secure boundaries doesn’t mean you need to speak up all the time, it doesn’t mean you have to stick to responding the same way, healthy & secure boundaries means being flexible checking on your red and yellow flags. Sometimes it’s not responding to an invitation of reconnection because it doesn’t feel safe or in alignment.

I really sat with my self worth and integrity – I had no words that would change anything.

 Taking the option to not respond could be seen as avoidant, it’s about taking into consideration where you are in your life right now and the window of tolerance for bad and toxic behaviour.

The only time I would respond to any of the men & women that caused my trauma is if they were to make an amends for their actions.

It goes without saying that people change, like I have, there needs to be a degree of responsibility and until I see that I am happy to leave the past exactly there.

Questions to ask yourself before responding:

• What good can come from this?

• What am I seeking from responding?

• What part of me wants to respond the most?

• What does this part of me need?

Go ahead and give that part or yourself what it needs, be so kind to yourself and don’t forget to reach out to the ones you love and trust to help you decide how to deal with those past toxic relationships trying to creep back.

If you would like help and guidance to move forward from toxic relationships contact me below